Hey readers! I’ve been pretty quiet here for a little while and I must change that.
You might know that I’ve taken on a leadership course. It’s incredible! But it’s kicking my butt.
The whole of the last weekend my integrity was being questioned and the mad crazy voice in my head that shouts things like “I can’t do it” got louder and cloudier.
I call her Falesha.
At first Falesha was an Internet joke, and then I started using it with someone I coached for the laughter effect.
For me it helps to personify the nastiness – that I would never EVER say to anyone else – in a named form.
Falesha clouds my brain when I want to write and get creative. Nails my feet to the floor when I want to go somewhere and sends me into a panic whenever I go to take action.
Now Falesha sounds more dramatic than she is. But this course is bringing her out. Or you could say, I’m challenging her myself.
See I’ve got to a stage with my blog that I never thought I would and neither I or Falesha have ever had to deal with that – because I typically quit before that.
In order to keep my blog going we have to operate at a higher level. Something I have no experience in but sends Falesha crazy because of it. It’s not ‘safe’.
But I got to it and felt it last Friday. I bawled my eyes out in public and gave into the fear. Then I got up and kept going.
I got that Falesha does not determine whether I am courageous or brave. Falesha does not determine how my life goes.
I cleared up messes that I had let Falesha tell me I’d wing. I saw for myself where I had let looking good in front of other people affect my day and my schedule.
Even writing this on the train now, I’m making mistakes and getting distracted out the window. She’s a devious little monster, Falesha.
But the beauty is being able to express it and vocalise it. I have a wonderful community I can do that with.
The people on my course, my family, friends, my accountability partner, even people at work.
And this morning for the first time in a very long time. I started getting joyous about indulging in my craft again.
No fear in opening up WordPress, going blank at the idea of a tweet and feeling bad because I have literally no Insta content.
Just a calm and freedom.
Have you ever experienced anything similar?